I am the type of person that always tries to help people.
But one day I was put in the position of having to choose who I helped.
This lead to that and I ended up doing something I'm not proud of, and have kept secret for a long time and may do so for a long time more.
I don't know why.
It may be that there are people out there who understand.
Maybe there are people out there who have also done something wrong for the right reasons.
Maybe I'm alone, I just don't know.
But I do know this: I'm not ready to forgive.
I'm not ready to forgive my Mother, for screwing up.
I'm not ready to forgive my Father, for walking out on me and witholding my siblings.
I'm not ready to forgive my extended family for the numerous comments that they thought went un-heard.
I'm not ready to forgive my friends who assume they know me, while turning a blind eye to the obvious chsnges.
I'm not ready to forgive all those who see me trying to help and insist i'm trying to hinder.
But most of all, I'm not ready to forgive myself. For all those stupid mistakes in my past, for the harm I did accidentally and deliberately. For the whong choices I made, for the fact that I can't forgive, for the fact that I push everyone I love away.
Yes, I'm a fucked up guy, but I made myself into what I am today, this dark thing.
I was told that we are only as dark as the secrets we keep.
I disagree. I taught myself to be darker than my secrets.
I want to scream at someone. Cry with someone. I want to let someone in, but because everyone knows me this way, they get suspicious when I let down my guard.
I need something more substantial. I need facts and there are some who hate e for that.
Yes, there was a time when I didn't need them, when I was free.
But I was only free because I had the fear.
Fear is what keeps us alive, Fear is what makes us good at what we do. We love because we fear being alone. We lie because we fear being found out, We accept the lies of others because we fear the truth.
but we lie. We lie when we eat, we lie when we sleep. We lie when we say 'I love you', we lie when we say that it's a 'good morning'.
We lie with our politicians leading the way, we lie so much that we begin to believe the lies.
And we lie because we are afraid. Afraid of the fear, afraid of inevitability, afraid of change.
I wanted to be the kind of person that people look up to. A good role model. But what have I actually become?
I drift through life, without actually connecting to people. I go from low esteem job to low esteem job without making anything out of myself.
I failed school.
I've saved people's lives but no-one else cares.
Have I lost my soul as a result of not caring?
I need to change all this.
I want to be a hero.
Someone did a tarrot reading for me. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally fucked up, aparently.
Stupid cards, I could have told you that.
My friend keeps asking me "Do you remember when life was simple?" To which I'd reply "Life was never simple."
Well maybe not, but I remember a time when I was happy.
These days, all I do is help people. I give and give and give with little to nothing in return. I say little to nothing, because what I do get in return is either so miniscule that it hardly counts or it's evil.
Lets review...
I defend my little brothers, help them with schoolwork, let them play on my playstation, etc, then they act like b*ds and keep F***ing around when I try to get them to do something.
Try to cheer people up when they're stuck on a problem. result: other people yell at me.
I saved my last girlfriends life. Shortly afterwards I take her in when she's thrown out of her house.
What do I get back?
Death threats.
Lend money - Have people turn their back on me when I need the money back.
Everything I do has a perverse reaction, and I'm supposed to laugh at all the terrible things happening to me? I'm close to tears and I'm supposed to smile and shrug it off?
That's what I've done my whole life. Smile, Shrug it off and Soldier on...
"Just when you think you're too paranoid, you realise you're not paranoid enough."
I know that this makes no sense to anyone reading, but this is the kind of thing that flies through my head on a regular basis.
The long and short of it is that i say dumb things sometimes, and people take offense when none is meant.
I have a secret that I don't want anyone to know, but I want someone to know so that it doesn't keep haunting me.
People suck, especially me.
And I don't know wether to burn my bridges again. I want to run, but where do I run to? What is it I'm truly running from?
*sigh*
Is someone going to one day lock me up in a mental asylum?
Every time I try to help someone I get shot down in flames, usually by the person I'm helping.
Everyone, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.